 This year has brought so much reflection, change, hard work and emotion,
I stopped drinking almost a year and a half ago, which has brought a new level of clarity to my life. It also has me learning how to express my emotions, this has been something I never thought would encompass me the way it has. As I look back at the past year I know that all that has happened I was meant to not have alcohol in my life. Some of the things that I have realized since I stopped drinking: You can still toast a friend in celebration and in memory and not feel guilty. I have spent a lot of time with my kids having meaningful conversations. My head is clear and I can focus on what is ahead of me. Life is so vibrant and full of color! God created us to handle the hard conversations and things that come in life. I was given one body and I will do my best to take care of it and honor God in doing it. This year I felt even more emotion in losing two close friends, and was more than I thought I would ever feel. I don’t understand why God takes people when he does. I don’t understand why he leaves a wife without her husband, kids without their Dad, or Mothers and Fathers without their sons. Why God would take a Mom before her kids are ready to say goodbye or ask her all the questions they need to ask. I do not live close to family of these friends, they are at least an hour away. I know that I think about them often and while I miss these people that left us too soon. I cannot imagine the thoughts and pain that they feel. How their hearts break, or how many times they break down in grief. I know that they experience a fear that takes their breath away, a fear that I don’t know… I know that these people that God called home had strong faith a faith that they didn’t question, and this is what gives me comfort every day. Despite the hurt, I am still thankful for all God has done this past year He has grown me and challenged me in ways that didn’t even seem possible! I am ready to start a new year and see where God leads next!! We don’t know what tomorrow holds only God knows our future. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11
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I am struggling to get in the Christmas mind frame this year. Struggling to prepare my heart.
All the presents are bought, wrapped, and under the tree. Cookies have been baked. Potlucks are commencing. Christmas music is being played. In Church we have been talking about finding the wonder in Christmas again… I do not feel the wonder. I feel like a grinch, a Scrooge. I do not like the cold in Minnesota and that is making it worse, and it isn't even that cold this year. I feel like something changed this year to make me feel this way but I am not sure what it is. How do you find your Joy when it feels like there is no Joy to be found? How do you prepare your heart when you just feel like your heart wants to stay closed… There is one painting that has made me stop and wonder this season by Vanessa Horabuena of Mary, sitting on the ground, resting against the manger, with her hair down smiling at baby Jesus. This painting has me coming back to what that night could have been, just a mother’s love for her Son. Pure wonder of what God’s plan is for a sweet baby. This picture is the most beautiful depiction of Christmas to me. I have yet to purchase a copy of the print, however, I will be :) When I feel like the above feelings of not finding the Christmas spirit I am hoping that I will remember it is not about all of the Christmas feelings but about the reality of what that night would bring. I pray that this Christmas season leaves you wondering what Mary and Joseph thought about that first Christmas night and what God’s plans were for His life and how it would impact the world. ​ For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6 Merry Christmas!  “I pray that out of his glorious riches, he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being,” Ephesians 3:16
A month or two back I spent some time trying to quiet my thoughts, quiet the chaos that goes on inside my head. Once I did, I felt as if I heard God tell me I needed to be strong again. Not that I was weak, however, I have not been disciplining myself as much as I used to. Strong again in what context though, physically, mentally, spiritually? There are so many things that could mean. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:10 I wrestled with these questions: Strong, why does God ask us to be strong? Does He ask us to be strong or is He strong for us? What is He preparing us for? Or better question, what isn’t he preparing us for? “The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.” Psalms 28:7 After a few weeks of devotions, looking up scripture, and spending time with my thoughts this is where I landed: Strength is complete, absolute, vulnerable trust in Jesus. There is only so much you can do and say before you just stop, drop to your knees, and come to Him in prayer. Once you stop the narrative in your head that you’ve written and listen to what He is telling you or showing you, you will have the strength to combat the lies with Truth. Scripture and Prayer are what make me confident. I don’t know that I will ever truly feel strong enough. However, I know that by putting my trust in Him above all else, I will find that peace that everything will be okay. There is Hope in what tomorrow will bring. “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10 I am strong because God is the source of my strength. I am strong because Jesus has given me a true source of confidence. “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.” Ephesians 6:10 Jesus is my strength, no matter what happens, Jesus is what makes me strong. “She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.” Proverbs 31:25  I was reading through John recently and when you read things in order and not just a verse here and there, you notice different occurrences and timelines.
““My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. “Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. “Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.”” John 17:20-26 John 18 then starts with Jesus finishing his prayer time and being betrayed by Judas and arrested. John recorded Jesus' last time praying before he was betrayed for you and for me. What a testament to Jesus’ love for us that he prayed for all of us. He wants us to be where He is, to see God’s glory. He prayed for God’s love to be in us. How powerful is that to know that Jesus prayed for all future believers? That’s you, that’s me, that’s your kids and your grandkids. That’s for your neighbor who doesn’t know who Jesus is yet but really wants to know. For the one who thinks they don’t deserve to be loved, but Jesus prayed for them to be loved, and not just a little bit to be Abundantly loved!! Jesus' relationship with His Father in prayer is so amazing. What a teacher we have to show us how to pray. There are so many times Jesus prayed in the New Testament that are recorded that we can learn from. It is so powerful to have that relationship with God, to be able to build that strong bond with Him. I find myself often doubting when things aren’t going how I feel they should. It takes me a while to slow down, think through the situation, and lay out all the facts and emotions. I find myself in these situations turning to prayer when I think I just can’t do it anymore. More often than not that conversation with God will help me see the things I was turning my blinders to, or an answer will come to the question I have been asking. I struggle with the gratitude part in my prayers and I am hoping the above verses will be a great reminder for me to bring my praise back to the one who prayed for me first. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13  This past spring, I went to visit my brother in California. We set out on a trail in Palm Springs after taking a gondola 8,516 feet up with the goal of hiking another 2,000 feet. We had to check in at the ranger's station before we set out, we arrived at the station and the ranger on duty inquired about where we were headed, we shared to the peak, and he basically laughed at us and didn’t think we would make it.
We started out on our trek taking in the scenery and quietness of the surroundings. After a while, we were out of the trees and in more of a rocky terrain. There were so many moments on our trip up that one of us said I am not sure we’re going to make it, however, one of us just kept going. As we reached the peak of the mountain and took in the view, I was reminded that good things don’t always come to us easily. You need to put in the effort to get where you are going. Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds. James 1:2 Question for you, when you feel like you can’t reach that goal, do you give up and move on? Or does a friend or family member remind you to keep going, or someone gives you that extra encouragement you need to take the next step? Don’t give up on the goal or the life you feel like God is calling you to. Don’t get discouraged in a hard situation, remember that God is by your side guiding you along the way and sometimes He comes to you through family, friends, a stranger, or in a way you’re not expecting. Sometimes the unknown can be scary, what’s waiting on the other side of that big decision, the hard work you just put in, to not know what is going to come of it, which requires taking a leap of faith. Paul reminds us here in his letter to the church at Corinth to stand firm in our faith. Remembering that God is with you every step of the way. The things that we want to happen right away in life sometimes take longer than we like, but if we stand firm in our faith, God will carry us through. 1 Corinthians 16:13 reads: Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. The view from the top was amazing! I will never forget that experience because neither of us really felt ready for it once we are on our way up. With faith as your guide, there is no telling what God has in store for you! When we got back down the mountain we saw the same ranger and he asked, how far did you make it?? We shared all the way to the peak. The look of shock on his face was worth the trip :)  Friends are the family we choose for ourselves. The sign pictured here was given to me by a friend who I have considered family for the last eight years.
I was asked recently to write down my favorite memory of the summer. Without a doubt, I knew what it was, however, wrote down- “Watching the kids jump on the trampoline while Shannon and I sat by the fire”. Although this memory made me smile, the memory I wanted to write down and the memory that made my heart leap and cry simultaneously, was ”standing around one of my best friends surrounded by my family, her family, and one other family, with our hands laid on her and praying for God’s healing and guidance as she just found out she has breast cancer.” There was no way to describe the love the sixteen of us had for her at that moment. Along with the love for our God and the assurance that He has this fight! Even though we were all crying, devastated and scared, we were united knowing whose we are and that He will guide us every step of the way. What an impact this moment made on me! God brought these people into my life for a reason, we have had our share of challenges over the last four years living further apart than when we all met. However, we often see that God brings us back together at certain times when we need it the most. In these memories, He reminds me why I call these families my friends. Despite living miles away that won’t change my love for them as they are family now. I won’t forget the God who brought us together! Since our time together many verses have been shared and numerous prayers lifted up between the three families. This fight is just beginning but we know that God has this and that Friends make some of the best family! Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Hebrews 13:8  Okay I may be dating myself a little here, but remember the cartoons when someone is trying to make a decision about something “should I do this” or “should I do that” and there is a little angel cartoon on one side and a little devil cartoon on the other side? I love cartoons, still to this day! Do you ever feel like you have these kind of discussions with yourself? For me it’s not so much “should I do this” or “should I do that”, it is more of “what did you just do” or “did you really say that?”
I am guilty of overthinking all the time! Maybe it’s the perfectionist in me, but it is something I constantly do after coming home from a fun night or day out. I think, why did I say that or you should have phrased it a different way. I can’t just live in the moment of what just happened, I have to over analyze everything. This also happens when something doesn’t go as planned. I say over and over to myself how could I have handled that differently. Look at everything I wrote above. There are so many “I” statements! It is not about me, it is not about what I did. It is about what He is doing in those situations. It is about the people who I was with and were surrounded by. Look at who you are surrounded by: be present, be grateful, find joy and trust that God put you in those moments to learn, to love, to be. We are watching “The Chosen” right now both at work and at home. Jesus is portrayed so well in this series. If you haven’t watched it yet you should! The love and care that Jesus has for us is so well displayed. Jesus forgives all of us, regardless of what we did. He is waiting for us to follow Him, to come to Him with every inner critic thought that comes across our minds. He will combat the lie, the little devil on your shoulder, and let you know that you have someone always there for you in Him. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18-Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus  My last writing was about control and as I shared last time, I think I could write a book on control, because I still haven’t figured out that I am not in control. Lately, I have been struggling with things that have kept me from my typical workout routine.
I had a set routine and schedule that was very regimented. In addition, I spend a lot of time in the car sitting, all of these things have been a struggle and not going according to plan. Sometimes we need to listen to our body and take a break, understand what is causing the pain and try to find a way to remedy it. Rest, even though very difficult for me, is needed. I thought I was making progress and then I decided to take a small ;) hike while in California, which was worth it from the view pictured here. However, it set me back, reminding me that just when you think you have things figured out, it really isn’t mine to decide. At work, a vacant position had been filled, the workload was starting to lighten, training was being completed, and yet again it didn’t work out. It wasn’t my timing, it was His. We make plans every day to do life the way we see fit. However, God has other plans in store. We plan down to every minute of the day, but it could all change in a second. We don’t always understand the plans God has for us, or the rest he is calling us to, but it is important to slow down sometimes and listen to what He is saying. As all these things above have been real and present for me over the last month. I was struck by this statement while listening to an audiobook in the car. Brene Brown describes courage as vulnerability in “Dare to Lead”. Being vulnerable to take the next step to put yourself out there. Isn’t that what trust is? Being vulnerable? Totally completely vulnerable in Jesus' love and care for our lives. What if we were vulnerable enough to do just that? Trust Jesus! Vulnerable enough to listen to what we are feeling called to do, and take that extra leap of faith. Vulnerable enough to rest when we feel like we are supposed to rest. Matthew 11:28- Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  I think I could possibly write a book on this subject because I struggle with it so much. So here it goes.
My boss often tells me the only constant is change. Just when you think you have everything settled and get into a routine something changes. This has been so true for me over the last 4 years, really, isn’t that what life is, just a series of changes? “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;” Proverbs 3:5 This verse came up the other day for a reason- I was thrown a curveball when I heard an admin on our team was leaving. She is someone I trust completely when I am away from the office to handle anything that comes her way. It is my hope that she will thrive and succeed in life and grow in her career, so I really shouldn’t be shocked she was scooped up by someone else because she was doing just that. After hearing this, I started thinking of all the things that could and would go wrong after she left. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;” Proverbs 3:5 This verse was needed again as we struggled with one of the kiddos who is so headstrong and opinionated about life. Wondering why we have rules in place. Control or trust, not sure you can have both, I think it has to be one or the other. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;” Proverbs 3:5 I struggle with releasing control. Ask my husband he will second this statement or would write it on a billboard for all to see. I tend to hold things so close to me and fear the thought of the unknown more than anything. When I start down this path it spirals into deep thoughts of not knowing how long I will be here, not understanding if I will see my kids grow, will get married, or have kids. Then my fears kick in about death and not being able to imagine what it will be like to not be here to not see how everything turns out. It’s this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I just can’t even explain. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;” Proverbs 3:5 Things may get rough but I know that if I put my trust in Him He will carry me through! My hope is that I will continue to repeat this verse over and over in my head as I talk to them, as I pray for them, as I face the next day, the next challenge. Parenting, thoughts, life, and trust more than anything is not easy… I need to remember I am not in control. Jesus has them, Jesus will not let them fall, He may teach them things but He always has His arms open for them, for me, for us all. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;” Proverbs 3:5 In our small group these last 2 weeks, we have been focusing on forgiveness.
Forgiveness is sometimes easy to say, but do you really forget about it? Although forgiveness can be really difficult to give too depending on the situation. The one thing that has caught me in the last few days is normally before communion or in my prayers, I ask God for forgiveness for all the things I know I did and all the things I don’t know I do because that will cover it all right(in my good Lutheran confession)? However, because of the lesson we are going through I have been more inclined to ask for specific forgiveness. “God please forgive me for being selfish, for not putting others before myself”. “Please forgive me for screaming at my kids for the 50th time today” It has brought more attention to my actions every day, helping me to think through where I could have done better, who I may have offended today. There is always so much to do, that having this tool will help to slow down, think about how others are feeling and how I treat them. Am I giving them my full attention? I found the picture of the cross above from our trip to Texas this past summer. We saw it when we first got close to the resort and went on a mission to find it. It was a cloudy rainy day, but I think it fits this post so well, to be thinking about forgiveness and where Jesus paid for all our sins, it wasn’t a bright shiny day, but a day full of somber and sadness. I hope that I will continue to ask for specific forgiveness to see where I can grow and find the anchor in knowing tomorrow is a new day to find new grace for how I failed today and truly remember the ultimate sacrifice he made. Psalms 51:10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me |
Kelly HeckselI am a daughter of The King, wife to my husband, Shannon, and a mother to my four beautiful children. I have no religious training, just passionate about my faith and wanting others to know they are not alone and that we don't need to have everything figured out. Archives
December 2023
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