 I feel like I am always searching, searching for what’s next. Trying to answer the burning question, what does God have planned for my life? What is my purpose? Why am I here?
Do you feel like there is always something missing? Like there is always something more you should be doing? So many people say that the thing that is missing is God, once you have Jesus in your life you will feel content. Truthfully, I think I have Jesus in my life, and I still feel like I am not where I am supposed to be? So what does that mean, does that mean I don’t have enough Jesus? I don’t trust Him enough? I am supposed to be doing more? Why can’t I just take the time to sit down, rest, see what God has blessed me with, and call it good? Why is there always this burning desire for something bigger, more than what is right now? Do you ask yourself all these questions as I do? I know that God put me where I am for a reason, but I still always feel like there is something more He is still calling me to do. Maybe we are supposed to feel this way, so we never stop digging into His word, so we never stop wanting to know Him more. Maybe the answer is that God has many things planned for our lives and it isn’t just one thing. God has so many ideas and uses for our lives and it doesn’t have to be just one thing. So keep listening, keep looking and keep yearning to be with God. James 4:8- Come near to God and he will come near to you.
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The summer after I graduated High School my grandma passed away. The next spring a good friend from high school lost her battle to Cystic Fibrosis and then in the fall, my Aunt passed away from cancer. Three deaths within such a short period of time affected my emotions a lot. Not only my emotions, it also rocked my faith and made me so fearful.
I grew up in the church and our family was and is very active in church. I went to church every Sunday and participated in youth group and loved every minute. Also attending a private Lutheran High School I was surrounded by faith a majority of the time. I had an amazing group of friends who kept me strong, I learned and studied the bible probably more than I ever have in my life. After those 3 people left this earth, I was shaken off that firm foundation. I felt like I was the strongest I had been in my faith after graduating, so why did this happen? It kept me wondering and asking, “who is God going to take from me next?” I started to pull away and just kept God at a safe distance, or so I thought, there was no need to try and get any closer. During this time, I also met, started dating, and got married to my husband. Who is now a church worker, so you would think- “her faith has got to be strong, right?” Well, that just wasn’t the case. I kept it in for a long time, my fears of “if you get closer, and strengthen that relationship with God, you are going to lose someone else you love.” So just put on a good front and no one will notice. I lost both my Grandpa’s while pregnant with my kids, and I didn’t process it all, except knowing they had a strong faith and I knew where they were going, but didn’t let anything additional creep in. Fast forward quite a few years. After, all my children were born and in school. I finally started diving in again and started having quiet time with God. I finally told my husband, everything that was going through my head. Slowly, God pulled me out and helped me realize that I need Him. Every second, every minute, every hour of every day. Side note- Lord I Need you by Matt Maher, is one of my favorite songs! I know that I don’t want to go back to that place, that place of worry, and fear. Don’t get me wrong, I still have these days of worry, doubt, and fear, but I know on those days that journaling, talking about it, and prayer will bring those fears to a halt and that God is stronger than any one thought I have. I don’t know how I ever thought that I could control who stayed in my life and who didn’t because of how strong my faith was, I don’t have that much power! I am still figuring out this faith journey, even at the age of 38. I feel like God is working in new and exciting ways and the hope he gives me helps me search every day! My prayer is that you will read along with this journey, as I find the Anchors of Hope God places all around, to help us grow and rely on Him, to trust that He has put us where we are at the right time! I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Psalms 34:4 |
Kelly HeckselI am a daughter of The King, wife to my husband, Shannon, and a mother to my four beautiful children. I have no religious training, just passionate about my faith and wanting others to know they are not alone and that we don't need to have everything figured out. Archives
December 2023
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